Ministry Today

‘Pastor, We’re Not Having Sex!’

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Published on Tuesday, 01 July 2008 11:00

Written by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.

Terry and Tami seemed like the perfect married couple. They were in their 30s, attractive and successful. They’d known Pastor Phil for several years and one day came to him for counseling. As soon as they all were seated behind closed doors, Tami blurted out: “Pastor—Terry and I aren’t having sex!” Pastor Phil’s mind reeled: Not this couple. No way, he thought.

His mind instantly raced back to his Bible-school training. He could not recall any lessons he might have had on “The Sexless Marriage.” In fact, he couldn’t remember ever counseling a couple who didn’t want sex. In the end, all he could say was: “Terry, Tami—you should fast and pray.”

The article you’re reading would have come in handy for Pastor Phil. Couples like Terry and Tami avoid sex for definite reasons. After counseling for almost 20 years, I know. Let’s look at some of these obstacles.

1. Depression. A lack of interest in sex is only one symptom of a depressed person. Others include low energy, difficulty concentrating and making decisions, feelings of worthlessness and more. If you refer either spouse to a physician, ask that he or she discuss with the doctor the side effects of any antidepressant prescribed, as some lower the sex drive.

2. Anger. Some people have so much anger it shuts down their desire to be sexual. In counseling with a married couple you’ll find that anger isn’t always directed sensibly. Your job might be to sort out the legitimate problems from the scapegoating. If the couple’s anger makes them irrational, consider referring them to a professional counselor.

3. Unforgiveness. As a pastor, you know the negative wall-building power unforgiveness can have in a marriage. Most likely you can address the offense one spouse is holding against the other and then move them toward forgiveness. For this I often recommend that couples read The Bait of Satan: Living Free From the Deadly Trap of Offense by John Bevere.

4. Bad sex. There are married people for whom the sexual experience is so negative the act of sex reinforces something unpleasant. Naturally, intimacy is lacking. For this I recommend couples practice intimacy in nonsexual ways—daily they should pray together, share two feelings they experienced during their day and praise each other for two things.

5. Sexual addiction. I suggest, depending on the situation, that you ask the couple about their masturbation and pornography habits. An alternative to sex is probably occurring somewhere. It is especially valid to ask these questions if you’re counseling a young couple for whom sex is infrequent.

6. Sexual anorexia. Sexual or intimacy anorexia occurs when one spouse actively withholds from the other any sort of intimacy—such as love, praise and sex, or sharing their deeper feelings. For this, I offer a DVD, Sexual Anorexia, and I advise referring the couple to professional counseling.

7. Sexual abuse. It’s possible that prior sexual abuse of either partner could be the issue. I advise “cleansing the temple”—an exercise I explain in my book Intimacy: A 100-Day Guide to Lasting Relationships. Being able to release the hurt and anger in a productive manner is beneficial, as is doing forgiveness exercises to deal with the pain from the abuse.

Comments   

 

0 #4 Jaybird 2010-05-18 14:44

To Semi: All wisdom comes from God, and there are Christian counselors who use God's word to inform their practice - passing on what God has given to people in need. We have a mind, a will, a body, and a spirit. All can be damaged or wounded and in need of treatment. Do not deny or oversimplify the real work of healing, whether God uses miracles, medical treatment, spiritual care/deliverance, or psychological treatment to bring His children into the truth and wholeness.

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+1 #3 Catherine 2009-09-05 12:46

I fall into the catagory of not totally forgiving my husband for his infidelity 20 years ago. I am a born again christian, and I know better, I am suffering now, I feel I HAVE forgiven because we have a beautiful marriage and his wandering stopped immediately ! He felt awful about it. We are in love, but we do not make love, it has been 20 years and I know or feel like I am sinning if I do not make love to him. He does not want a physical relationship now. We live in respect to one another and care for one another, we kiss goodnight and hold hands now and then, he is a good husband. I DO need to make love ! But I cannot with HIM. So I have been celebate ?sp for 20 years. I have this over my head every moment I am alive ! He has not apologized, he just said, "listen, I made a mistake and that is the closest you will get to an apology", so that is what hurt me so much I guess. But I will not divorce . We live all around the physical aspect of marriage. I feel so sad !

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-1 #2 Semi Meo 2009-08-28 09:14

mmm....all we wanna know is where in the Bible does Jesus, His disciples, Paul or other Christian Leaders of old ever or directed to refer members of their congregation to “professional counselling.” We will not be surprised if some of these “professional” are NOT Christians at all.

Hello!!...let’s get back to His Word...sufficient for any and ALL human need, and let’s STOP glorifying therapeutic clinical psychological gurus and turn to real Godly Counsel. What the matter with us modern day Christian...no wonder the dying world are turning to the “wise of the world”; brilliant professional for complex life problems, while all the Church may now offer are First Aid Pastors for small spiritual cuts and bruises…serious spiritual wounds, sickness and cancer are best treated by professionals. God help us!!

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+5 #1 michael w. smith 2009-05-08 00:11

I am a Christian counselor in Phoenix, Arizona. Excellent article. In additon the the reasons mentioned we need to include unclean spirits. Demons of sexual perversion can get into the bodies of Christians causing a wide range of sexual and intimacy deficits. They can influence all 7 of the aforementioned diagnosis. I see many healed every month by removing the unclean spirits the individual picked up in childhood thru sexual abuse or neglect. www.hardcorechristianity.com They can be restored. Bro. Mike

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